Click banner to go to Collin County Freedom Fighters

 


JOKE PAGE
Remember how everybody was a comedian, and how laughter used to be the only thing to relieve the tension,
especially when things were really tense? These are jokes that have been sent in, all with a military theme.
Caution!
Just as they were in the barracks, fox holes, onboard ship or aircraft, there are words and themes that may offend some people.
(We were in the Military, not the Boy Scouts) Read them at your own risk.
If you remember any good ones, send them in.
ccfreedomfighters@msn.com

Photobucket

Just give me the aspirin, I already got a Purple Heart.

(Bill Mauldin Stars and Stripes 1944)

Photobucket

"Now that ya mention it, it does sound like the
patter of rain on a tin roof."

Photobucket

"Joe, yestiddy you saved my life an' I swore I'd pay
ya back. Here's my last pair of dry socks."

Military Wisdom

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - US Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. - Basic Flight  Training Manual

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." - Maritime Ops Manual

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"You've never been lost until you"ve been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." -Unknown Author

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe." - Fixed Wing Pilot

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." - Multi-Engine Training Manual

"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." - Unknown Author

"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you"ll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot." - Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." - Sign over Control Tower Door

"Never trade luck for skill." - Author Unknown

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." - Basic Flight Training Manual

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!" - Unknown Author

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." - Emergency Checklist

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." - Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself."

APPLICATION FOR A DATE WITH A MARINE
(from 1966)

 This from is for the specific purpose of screening applicants so that this man will have the finest and most carefully picked girl/woman for dating. Being the defender of the free world at large, this MARINE deserves this consideration at the very least. With your thoughtfulness and consideration, we are sure this form will be completed most sincerely and with absolute truth.

Instructions: Please complete all parts of all questions and return. Print, type, or write neatly.
1.  Name _______________ Date of Birth __________
2.  Address _______________ City and State _______________
3. 
Marital Status __________ Phone # __________
4.  Measurements, Height _____ Bust _____ Waist _____ Hips _____ Weight _____ Shoe size _____ Color of Hair __________ Eyes _____
5.  Do you drink? _____ If yes, what __________
   Number the following according to preference: Beer ____ Wine ____ Gin ____   Vodka ____ Bourbon ____ Brandy ____ Tequila ____
6.  Do you smoke? ____ If so, what kind and how much? _______________
7.  Do you live in a house ____ Palace ____ Apartment ____ Hotel ____ Girls Dormitory ____ Little Grass Shack ____ YWCA ____ YMCA____
8.   Is it in an Urban area ____ Rural area ____ Across the tracks ____ Country ____ Sticks ____
9.   Nearest exit in case of emergency _______________ If windows, how many floors up ______
10.   Do you dance ____ How well ____ What type dances do you prefer ___________   Type of music __________
11.   Are you considered easy to get along with ____ If no, why __________________ If yes, why ______________________
12.  Do you like movies ____ Drive-ins ____ Parking ____ Long walks ____ Parking ____ Television ____ Parking ____ Moonlight rides ____ Parking ____ Why so much parking _________________________________
13.   Do you like to be kissed ____ If yes, where _____________________
14.  What type of kisses do you prefer, Old Fashioned __ Short __ Long__ French __ Lingering __ Passionate __ Hard__ All of the above ____
15.   Do you know the facts of life ____ How well __________Well enough to teach them to an innocent Marine ____________________
16.   What is your opinion of free love ____________________________________ (More room on back if needed.)
17.  Will you try anything once ____ More than once ____
18.   What is your opinion of MARINES, with reasons ________________________
19.  
What type of servicemen do you prefe,r Deck Apes- Sailors ____ Doggies- Army ____  Shallow water sailors- coast Guard ____ Junior Birdmen- Air Force ____ Lovable MARINES _____
20.   Do you like sports ____ Football ____ Wrestling ____ Necking ____ How Much________ Others ________________
21.   Hobbies, if mentionable ________________________
22.  Do you drive ____ Your own car ____ Make and year __________
23.  Can you park ____ Do you get much practice ____ With whom ______
24.   Do you have a boyfriend ____ If so, is he big ____ How fast can he run ______ Has he ever been a boxer ____ wrestler ____ Judo instructor ____ Other ______
25.  Do you realize that MARINES  are precious, in demand, fun to be with, lovers, as well as fighters. Would you take good care of one ____ How ________________ ____________________________________________________________
26.  Where would you prefer to spend a vacation, Mountains ____ Big City ____ Beach ____ Desert ____ Parking ____ Other _____________________
27.   Do your parents like MARINES ____ Do they own a gun ____ If yes, how accurate are they ______ Would they shoot a man in the back ____
28.  Do your parents sleep soundly ____ How do you know _______________
29.  Do you have a job ____ Where _______________ Position __________
30.  Do you write letters ____ Long ____ Short ____ to whom __________
31.  Would you write letters to a MARINE ____ Do you perfume your letters ____ If yes, name the perfume _________________
32.  Can you cook ____ How well ____________ Would you care to prove it ____
33.  How do you look in the morning _________ Explain _______________________
34.  If your application is approved, give a date and time I may call on you _________
35.  Would you let any of the following interfere with our date: Rain ____ Sleet ____ Snow ____ Hail ____ Dark of night ____ Another man ____
36.   Please submit the following with your application: lips print, perfume sample, and photograph, preferably 8 by 10 color, and suitable for framing.

STATEMENT OF THE APPLICANT

I do so solemnly swear that the information contained herein is true and complete to the best of my knowledge, being of sound mind and in good health. I further understand that mistakes in the statement of facts can be punishable by being left to the mercies of swabbies, fly boys, doggies, and boy scouts.

                                                                                     ____________________________

                                                                                              (signature of applicant)            

I am sincerely grateful for your cooperation in completing this form. You will be screened for approval by a staff of highly trained experts in this field. You will have a good chance of passing the board, in as much as I am the only member of the board. I pledge the information contained in this application, upon completion and return, will be kept in the strictest confidence in my file. Utmost care will be taken to see that it does not fall into unauthorized hands.

                                                                                     ______________________________

 

 
 Photobucket
Photobucket Photobucket

TOUGH TEACHER

Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher, and before school started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year...

Brains will win every time.

Entering a classroom at MCAS, Yuma, a female Marine captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction in Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her Ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class. She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. Unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new “Bitching Betty”, but it was only fair to warn the audience, however, that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot. The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 sets of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

Photobucket

 Military Facts from WWII

 From Col. D.G. Swinford, USMC, Ret. and history buff. You would really have to dig to get this kind of ringside seat to history:
* The first German serviceman killed in WWII was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937).
   The first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940).
   The highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. . . . So much for allies.
 * The youngest US serviceman was 12-year-old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress).
 * At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"). The shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry Division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika."  All three were soon changed for PR purposes.
 * More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.
 * Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.
* It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target, 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet, tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.
 * When allied armies reached the Rhine River, the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).
* German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but decided it wasn't worth the effort.
* German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.
* Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians, and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans, and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.
 * Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

 

For God and Corps  

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God is too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

New Air Force vs. New Marine Corps Women's Dress Uniforms
The services are updating their dress uniforms.

Vote for your favorite.
Here is the proposed Air Force Dress Uniform
Here is the proposed Marine Corps Dress Uniform.


To enlist in the Marine Corps, please call 1-800-546-2222

NORFOLK - Naval Air Station Virginia
-- One of the military's largest transports got stuck at the end of a runway atop the I-564 overpass for more than 16 hours. It was unable to turn around at the West end of Chambers Field at the Norfolk Naval Station.
The incident forced the closing of the field to all but helicopter traffic and made for a dramatic sight for hundreds of motorists
passing beneath it during morning rush hour.
"That thing's like a big building sitting there.'' said motorists. The nose of the aircraft actually stuck out and OVER the Interstate!
The aircraft's nose was so far over the end of the ramp, the crew was unable to see the runway where it was supposed to turn around, so the pilot simply had to leave it at the end of the runway. The Air Force C-5 Galaxy, largest airplane in the free world, is almost as long as a football field and as high as a six-story building. 
Weighing 420 tons with a full load, it uses a system of 28 wheels to distribute its weight. The aircraft had to wait for a specially made tow bar trucked in from Dover, Delaware.  When the tow bar arrived, it was used to hook the C-5 to a tractor that then turned the aircraft around. The plane was not damaged.
The female copilot was overheard saying to the male pilot as they exited the plane,
"I told you we should have stopped and asked for directions "

The Marine Corps Version of Genesis 1   

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God.
In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.
And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called Sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "Squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "Petty" and "Commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called Soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests and all sorts of shiny things that glittered and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.)
On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "Wild-Blue-Yonder Wonders."
And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.
But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine. And these Marines, who God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them evening and dress uniforms, sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Marine uniform for Himself. He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that, well....
Not everybody can be a Marine!
 
 

ONCE A MARINE, ALWAYS A MARINE
 
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. 
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and, asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper, and, said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night 
we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded, and, said "Yes dear, I said, "Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw
your brains out."
She giggled, and, said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and, I'm in the same 
negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" 
He looked her up and down, and said, "Mission Accomplished!

An old Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunnery Sergeant were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career:
     "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa , clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty Puller. We pushed the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire by day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we charge the enemy with bayonets."
   "Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Lucky bastard. All shore duty, huh?"

 
How the Navy refuels a Nuclear Carrier!


Naval Conference

 A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks. But a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
    Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

 

USMC Wannabe Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale ."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services, the United States Marine Corps. You know one of their nicknames is Devil Dogs.
    "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!"

 

The Zipper

 A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase normally used on a daily basis, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. 
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door".
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" 
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
A C130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F16 pilot flew up next to him. The fighter jock told the C130 pilot, "Watch this," and promptly entered into a barrel roll,
followed by a steep climb!  He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.  The F16 pilot asked what he thought about that.
The C130 pilot said, That was impressive. Now watch this." 
The Ci30 droned along for about five minutes and the C130 pilot came back on and asked, "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"
The C130 pilot then replied, "I stood up, stretched my legs; went to the back; took a piss, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."


An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a former Marine Gunny who PTs every day. That's why I'm in such good shape. I'm out running up and down the countryside every day."
The doctor asked, "How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100, and in fact, he ran next to me this morning. That's why he's still alive; he's a former Marine Gunny too!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old. He's a former 'China Marine' Gunny!"
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went running with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No. Grandpa couldn't go running this morning because he got married."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"


Bob Hope
A great American and Best Friend of the Servicemen and Women.

May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

Bob Hope : ON TURNING 70  "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80  "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90  "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100  "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING  "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR  "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF  "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS  "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER  "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL  "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS  "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES  "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN  "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."  

The Old Gyrene

A Marine gets out of the Corps after Nam and lives his life like the American dream. When the War in Iraq comes around 40 plus years later, he goes down to the local recruiting station, and tells the recruiter, "I want in, I wanna fight."
But the recruiter says, "Sorry, man, you're too old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll go to the Pentagon. I have a friend there. He'll let me in!" So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, "I want in, I wanna fight."
But his friend says, "Sorry, Buddy, you're too old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!" So he goes out and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again.
St. Peter sees all this and goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do to stop this clown?"
God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain? It's the root of all thought."
So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It doesn't faze him. "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"
St. Peter then says, "Now what?!"
God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all emotion."
So St. Peter takes it. Doesn't faze the guy.
"Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"
St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?!"
God smiles and says, "Take his gonads."
So St. Peter lops off the guy's gonads.The guy immediately stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around in
circles, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..."

MILITARY LINGO
In today’s joint environment, it’s important to speak the “language” of the other armed services. Here’s a list of common expressions for each service:
 
NAVY/USMC ARMY AIR FORCE
Head Latrine Powder Room
Rack Bunk Single with ruffle and duvet
Mess Deck Chow Hall Dining Facility/Cafe'
"Cookie" Mess Cook Contract Chef
Coffee/Mud Cup of Joe Vanilla Latte'
Bug Juice Kool-Aid Shirley Temple
Utilities BDU's Casual Wear
Seaman/Private  Private Bobby or Jimmy
 Chief/Gunny Sergeant Bob or Jim
Captain/Skipper Colonel Robert or James
Captain's Mast Article 15 Time Out
Berthing/Barracks Barracks Apartment
Skivvies / U-Trau Underwear Tee Shirt & Panties
Thrown in the Brig  Put in confinement Grounded
Zoom Bag Flight Suit Business Casual
Cover Beret Optional
NEX or MCXPX PX Shopping Mall
TAD TDY Working vacation
Cruise / Afloat Deploy Huh?
Ground Grabbers Athletic Shoes Flip-Flops
Boondockers Jump Boots Berkenstocks
Low Quarters Low Quarters Patent Leather Pumps
SEAL Special Forces High Altitude Recon
Hoo-Rah ! Hoo-Ah ! Uh-Oh !
MRE MRE Happy Meal
Grinder  Drill Field What?
Ge-Dunk Snack Bar Hooters
Midshipman Cadet Debutant

Editor’s note: Airmen, don’t get too upset about this list. Although the list does have the major stink of jealousy, chances are another Airman created it.  There aren’t enough misspelled words for this to be an Army or Marine Corps document, and unless he got his boyfriend to help him, this didn’t come from a Sailor. “...come from a Sailor?”  Hey, that sounds like the punch line of a joke I heard ... er, that's for another day.

 

True Air Force Humor

Aviation ..... Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane.
In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent  pause, As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph for those who don't know)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
--------------------------------------------------

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a 45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
--------------------------------------------

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
----------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
--------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
--------------------------------------------------

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it h its a 727?

Stand In Line

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

 


Q:  How  do  you  know  if  there's  a  fighter  pilot  at  your  party?
A:  He'll  tell  you.

Change For A Dollar

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
 

The New Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Stuck Jeep

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Two Admirals and a Gunny

Sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons,
both Judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

Famous Military Sayings:

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Aim toward the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper once."
- Anonymous
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
__________________
"Of every one hundred men, Ten shouldn't even be there, Eighty are nothing but targets, Nine are real fighters...We are lucky to have them...They make the battle. Ah, but the One, One of them is a Warrior...and He will bring the others back." - Hericletus (circa 500 B.C.)

Navy Chief in Heaven

A Navy Master Chief dies and goes to the pearly gates. He is standing there talking with ole St Pete before he is allowed in.
St Peter asks the Chief what his idea of heaven would be. The Master Chief states very emphatically, "No Marines. I can't stand them. Spent 30+ years at sea and everywhere I went, if we had Marines on board, liberty prospects dropped to zero for sailors."
Well, St Peter says "there are no Marines here in heaven, come on in."
The Master Chief is beaming with joy now as he walks through the pearly gates. The Master Chief is loving the after life. Its everything he could have imagined. About 2 weeks go by and the Master Chief comes running up to St Peter. He is livid with rage.
The Master Chief says "I thought you said there were no Marines here."
St Peter says, "that's right there is not a single Marine in heaven"
"Well then, who is that I just saw walking down the main street in Marine Corps Dress Blues?"
"Oh, That's just God, every once in a while he likes to put on a set of blues to look impressive"

SHARP-WITTED GUNNY

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, Do you notice anything different about me?
The young aviator officer answered, why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears. The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?
She replied, Well, sir, you have no ears. The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).
The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?
To his surprise the Gunny said, Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses.
The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. And how do you know that I wear contacts? The General asked.
The sharp-witted Gunny replied, Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears.

Herman, Army Recruit

On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Aunt Susan, US Air Force

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Susan. Aunt Susan was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun, and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 50 enemy troops. She killed thirty-five of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo. Then she killed ten more with the machete until the blade broke. She killed the last five with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"When she's been drinking, stay the f#ck away from Aunt Susan."
 

Cannibals and a Marine

Ann Richards, Jesse Jackson, Dan Rather, and a US Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.
The chief said, "I'm familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"
Ann Richards said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili."
The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Richards ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."
The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Dan Rather said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job "till the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Rather dictated some comments. He then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he grabbed his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for
their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal Assholes call ME the aggressor?"
Retirement Bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip
of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

The Gunny and the Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, Gunny, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
Marine and the French Poodle

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but still the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

Test of Bravery

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!"
A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off."
"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F*CK YOU SIR!!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
AIR  FORCE  HAZARDOUS  ASSIGNMENT

 
Oaths Of Enlistment
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

 US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
______________________
Signature
______________________
Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY".
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
______________________
Signature
______________________
Date

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall, and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature
______________________
Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah! Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!" OOOOOOOORRRAAAHHHHHH!!!! And F*cking A to all of the above!

X____________________
Thumb Print

XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks


Murphy's Laws of Combat

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery. When that doesn't work, call for an airstrike.
9. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: 1) when they're ready, 2) when you're not.
16. "No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy." - Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke [1990's version: No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.]
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five-second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The problem with taking easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. [Corollary: For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.]
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things that must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
38. Tracers work both ways.
39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
42. When your fear of the plane overcomes your fear of the ejection seat, it's time to "punch out."
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
46. Weather isn't neutral.
47. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
48. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
49. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
50. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
51. Napalm is an area support weapon.
52. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
53. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
54. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
55. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
56. The one item you need is always in short supply.
57. Interchangeable parts aren't.
58. It's not the one [bullet] with your name on it; it's the one [bullet or shrapnel] addressed "to whom it may concern" or "occupant" that you've got to worry about.
59. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
60. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. [Corollary: The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.]
61. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps...printed at different scales.

62. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
63. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
64. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
65. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
66. Everything always works in your HQ; everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
67. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
68. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
69. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
70. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
71. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The toug
h part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. [Corollary: The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater the average grunt can throw it.]
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. [Corollary: Odd objects attract fire -- you are odd.]
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
115. The Quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
116. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
117. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
118. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
119. All battles are fought uphill.
120. All battles are fought in the rain.
121. "Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare." -- Heinz Guderian
122. What gets you promoted from one rank, gets you killed in the next rank.
123. "A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow." -- General George Patton
124. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
125. "War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact." -- attributed to Napoleon
126. "Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank." -- Karl von Clausewitz
127. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
128. "Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%." -- General Douglas MacArthur
129. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
130. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
131. "No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy." -- Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
132. "Only numbers can annihilate." -- Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
133. Always know when to get out of "Dodge". [Corollary: Always know how to get out of "Dodge".]
134. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
135. Always honor a threat.
136. The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
137. "Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant." -- Charles Edward Montague
138. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
139. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
140. "A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost." -- Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)
141. "Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander." -- Jerry Pournelle
142. "All warfare is based upon deception." -- Sun Tzu (The Art of War)
143. "A little caution outflanks a large cavalry." -- Otto von Bismark
144. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
145. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
146. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
147. "Snow is not neutral." -- Frunze Military Academy Maxim
148. The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.
149. "Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be gained or held on the battlefield." -- General
Walter Bedell Smith
150. "War is the unfolding of miscalculations." -- Barbara Tuchman
151. "Perfect is the enemy of good enough." -- Soviet Admiral Gorshkov
152. "He who wants to defend everything defends nothing." -- Frederick the Great
153. If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
154. Artillery add dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.
155. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
156. The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds. [Corollary: To ensure this, the mortar teams always carry extra pins.]
157. More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.
158. Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it.

ASSIMILATION

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet -- in a year's time whichever family has become more American will win. A year later they meet again: The first man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replies, "Up yours, raghead."

NEW MUSLIM NAME

Because of recent terrorist activity, it is prudent for security reasons to have a Muslim name. So, from now on, please call me by my new Muslim name: SELDOM BIN LAYED.

Military  Time

A Marine was sitting in a bar. A young lady asked him when was the last time he had made love. He replied, "Oh, about nineteen fifty-five."
So the lady thought that it would be nice to help out a brave serviceman. She took him upstairs, and after they were done she looked at him and said, "BOY, you sure haven't forgotten much since 1955."
With a confused look on his face he looked at his watch and replied, "Hell, lady, it's only twenty-one hundred."

MESSAGE  FROM  IRAQ

Retired 1st  Sergeant

After 49 years of marriage, the retired First Sergeant looked at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 49 years ago,
we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 18 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 67 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
His wife, a very reasonable woman replied, "Well hell, go out and find yourself a hot 18 year old blonde, and I'll make sure that you
will again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Government Contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a fairly new White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," the New Jerseyian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire that guy from Tennessee."

Defending Paris

Question: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
Answer: Nobody knows, because it has never been done!

The  China  Marine  and  VD

T
he Gunny was one of the fabled China Marines. He went to China in 1927 and returned to the United States in 1932. While in China, he was somewhat sexually promiscuous and ,on occasion, did not use a condom. A week after arriving back home aboard the USS Henderson, he woke up one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor, but in order to keep it out of his health record, he goes to a civilian doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the Gunny (who is in civvies) to return in two days for the results.
After two agonizing days of worry, the Gunny returns to the doctor, who says "I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The Gunny, with panic in his eyes, says: "Well, give me a shot or something, anything, fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The Gunny screams in horror, "What the hell are you talking about. Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, Gunny goes to Chinatown and seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines the Gunny’s penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely, vely rare disease."
The Gunny says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
Oh, thank God!" says the Gunny.
"You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self!"

Passport to France

At a French airport... A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly
gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carryon.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible!" barked the officer. "Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France."
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN!
 
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
How the Air Force is dealing with the funding cutbacks.


Iraq Radio

Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq. "American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national Leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage A useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."
"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"
"No," answers the other. "It's CNN!"

The Thirsty Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

A TOUCHING STORY OF MIDDLE EAST FAMILIES

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now, though," Mom confides.
"Oh so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
He's a martyr, too," says Mom quietly.
"Oh gracious me," says the other.
"And this is my third son My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically.
"I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr, also" says Mom, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says..."They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Marine Intelligence

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps
Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."

The Prayers of Officers

One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."
POOF! God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.
The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."
POOF! God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge and had a couple of drinks before the others got there.

USMC ACTIVATION MONKEY

A tourist walked into a pet store and began looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the local Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 Monkey, please."
The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Gunny, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Gunny paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 Monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PFT, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of SDO with no mistakes. It's well worth the money."
The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What can it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the O & I and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"
"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and flash females, but his papers say he's a pilot."

Where Is The Staff Sergeant?

Five cannibals were employed by the Marine Corps as scouts and translators during an island campaign. When the Sgt. Major welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that our Marines are eating. But please don't indulge yourselves by eating our personnel."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the Sgt. Major returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Staff Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Sgt. Major left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Staff Sergeant?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat an NCO.

 US ARMED FORCES GUN FIGHTING RULES

USMC Rules For Gun fighting
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating and reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

Navy Rules For Gun fighting
1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Send the Marines

Army Rules For Gun fighting
1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Reconsider the color of beret you decide to wear
4. Send the Marines

U. S. Air Force Rules For Gun fighting
1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. Determine "what is a gunfight"
4. Send the Marines

MILITARY INSURANCE

Sergeant Clark was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Rogers noticed that Sergeant Clark had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Clark's sales pitch. Clark explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now", he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

NEW ARMY ENTRANCE EXAM

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8.What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ________________
Carter: ______________
Clinton: _____________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify
* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for
help.

MARINE  PILOT  AND  A  GIRL  IN  A  BAR

A very confident Marine Corps pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...
"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

DATE  WITH  A  RETIRED  MARINE

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley. Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 p.m. dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he
brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed
chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!"
Martha: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?
Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

ADVICE  FOR  THOSE  ABOUT  TO  BECOME  CIVILIANS

1. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
"F**k" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC
2. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
3. Women:
Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard
4. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
5. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter
7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
VD will also not be funny
8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance
10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
11. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800
12. The Law:
Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
13. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened the first time.

ROYAL NAVY

As Camilla was making last minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side. When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired
to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are killing me."
The ever obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast. Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
I'm trying, darling!", the Prince yelled back, "It's just so bloody tight! Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh, that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne, at which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

LETTER  FROM  A  FARM  KID  AT  MARINE  CORPS  RECRUIT  DEPOT:

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of these places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5 a. m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth our cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. The Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting back at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 6 ft. and 130 pounds and he is 6'8" and weighs near 300pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellas get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail

AIRBORNE  FIRST  JUMP

A young airborne trooper is home on leave for the first time since he left for boot camp. He's been impressing friends and family alike with tales of the rigorous exercise, the dangerous training, and the overall experience.
One day his dad, a former airborne doggy himself, asks his son what he thought about his first jump out of an airplane.
Well Dad, it was pretty intense. We'd been doing tower jumps all week, and I thought I was ready, but once we got in that plane and took off I started getting more and more worried. In fact by the time we got to jump altitude, I was just plain petrified. I didn't think I could jump.
His Dad replies, "Well I guess that's to be expected, it's a new and dangerous thing. I can see you have your jump wings though, so how did you get through it all?"
"Well, the jumpmaster gave the command to stand up, hook up, so I did. Then I'm shuffling down the aircraft, getting closer to the door. The closer I get, the more scared I get. Finally it's my turn, the Jumpmaster slaps me on the shoulder and yells "go".
I look at him and shake my head no. He yells even louder "go" and half shoves me to the doorway. I looked at him again and said "No way am I jumping."
He looks me in the eye and says "private, I'm giving you one last chance. So help me God if you don't jump out of this aircraft RIGHT NOW, I'm gonna F*** you in the ass!"
Mesmerized by this story, the young soldiers father replies, "So did you jump."
His son responds, "Yeah, a little at first..."
 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
OLD  MAN  and a  MARINE at  the  WHITE  HOUSE

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay, Thanks" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand... I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

WAITING  FOR A  TUNNEL

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy, a U.S. Marine, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.  The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark. But he missed me and fondled the old lady instead...and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The Marine must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Marine thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.

THE GENIE

Three guys--a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a USMC engineer are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. " I'll give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also be a farmer. I want the land in Canada to be forever fertile." Poooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Poooof! again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The USMC engineer says, "I am very curious, please tell me about this wall." The Genie expains, "Well it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out. it's virtually impenetrable".
The Marine says, "Fill it with water."

GOVERNMENT JOB

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, I was in the Marine Corps and served in Vietnam."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." And then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%...A mortar round exploded near me and blew off my testicles."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you now. The hours are from 8:00am to 4:30pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00am."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00am to 4:30pm then why do you want me to come in at 10:00am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...No point in you coming in for that."

REDNECK  SERGEANTS

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's Privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's Privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the Privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."


POPE  IN  HEAVEN

Pope John Paul finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed Marine Staff Sergeant opens the gate and asks, "Wadda you want?"
"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of godly works and thought I should check in here." The Staff Duty NCO checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here, just bring your stuff and we'll sort this out in the morning."
They go to an old WW II receiving barracks, 3rd floor, open squad bay. All the bottom bunks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.
The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. in the back seat of the Jaguar sits a First Sergeant in dress blues, his Silver Master Parachute Wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde Angel with a magnificent halo.
This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Staff Duty NCO's desk and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope with 63 years of Godly deeds, in an open bay barracks while this First Sergeant, who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man, is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?"
The Staff Duty NCO calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 50 or 60 years, but we ain't never had a First Sergeant before!"

LUNCH  AT  THE  OFFICER'S  CLUB

One day, an old First Sergeant went to the Officer's Club with his Colonel to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was quite crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Colonel asked them if they could join them. They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate.
At one point, the First Sgt. mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the source of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.
The First Sgt. turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The First Sgt. replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.
The First Sgt. then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The First Sgt. said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.
The Lieutenant across the table from the First Sgt. asked if he had determined his source of commission. The First Sgt. replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Military Academy. The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at West Point. The First Sgt. replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

 

SEAL  AND  MARINE  BAR  BET

A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's offer.
One Marine gets up and leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine. "Yep," replies the SEAL; and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels. Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement. The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?" The Marine replies, "Oh .. I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

Soldier and the Nun
Subject: Soldier and a Nun A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please, Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes, I'll explain why later." The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

THE GUNNY

In the Blue Ridge Mountains , there was a retired Marine who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Gunny."

Three Marine Generals went up into the mountains and wanted to rent him. The old Marine said, "He's a real good huntin' dog. Gonna cost ya $50 a day."

They agreed and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "'Gunny got better," the old fellow said, "this year I'm gonna charge you $75 a day."

Again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with the limit.

The third year they came back and told the old Marine they had to have "Gunny" even if it cost $100 a day.

The old Marine spat and angrily replied, "You can have the worthless mutt for $5 a day, and even at that rate I'm overcharging you $4 !!" The bewildered Generals asked, "But we don't understand, what happened to him?" "Well, a bunch of new Lieutenants from Quantico came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him 'Sergeant Major' by mistake, and now all the SOB does is sit on his ass all day and bark!"

 

 



 

BACK TO CCFF HOMEPAGE